And
I think I have to lie to myself to feel better.
I don’t really understand this though because I’ve been lying to myself, and it’s made me hate myself. Lying to ourselves is what caused the first hospitalization (along with other things, obviously). And besides, I think I’ve been lying to myself this entire time. I’ve been lying to all these people about being “better” and “not self-harming,” and all the while, I’m lying to myself about how I feel and what I want. I need to practice honesty, right? Or is that just what I think? How do I even know when I’m lying to myself?
“Trust your instincts.” Half my instincts are completely wrong/misguided because of trauma [training].
“Do what you want.” I don’t even know what I want due to years of living for others [letting them walk all over me]. Or, due to what I want constantly changing with the DID.
“Pray, and God will provide.” No comment.
Endless bad advice. But maybe, just maybe, I have to let two conflicting statements be true. The whole DBT “and” thing. Like “I want to kill myself, AND I want to get better for others.” That sort of thing. I think maybe then we’ll find the truth. Or at least, feel like we’re being more genuine.
Some important, TRUE “and” statements:
- I’m depressed, AND I still have moments of laughter and amusement.
- I care about protecting my friends [loved ones] from grief, AND I would still attempt given the means/opportunity.
- I don’t want to be in the hospital anymore, AND it’s currently the safest place that we have to stay.
- I want to be on the lowest level of medical observation, AND I self-harm probably 50-75% of the time that I think no one is looking.
- I want to be honest with the residential place about my suicidality, AND I’m willing to do whatever it takes to avoid going home again, including lying.
- I want to more easily tell my medical professionals about any emotions or relevant trauma I have, AND I’m very afraid that I will not be believed. (AND I am still instinctively frightened of breaking the Rules.)
- I’m scared of Him, AND I would go back given the means and opportunity.