On Being Hollow

I wonder what people do when no one is looking.

I get so bored all the time, trying to figure out who or what I’m supposed to be when there’s no one around. I think there’s so much about me that’s based entirely in existing for other people. I mask and model my behavior based on what other people around me think is acceptable. But when I’m alone, when there’s no one judging me but me, I’m just this hollow shell.

Sometimes I feel like my sole purpose in this world is to be there for other people. I’m nothing but a foil, the trusty sidekick, a side character in my own story. But I think I can also acknowledge that this is a trauma-related belief that stems from being told over and over that my sole purpose is to serve men.

Of course, that makes everything feel more complicated. Why does it always come back to trauma-related beliefs? I feel like everything in my life just leads back to trauma. I do my best to try and avoid it and do anything but think about it, but it comes back up in everything. And then every time I try to address it, I end up spiraling and getting hospitalized.

Not ready for trauma processing. Not stable enough, is what they say. Have to be living in a safe environment, have to be out of the abuse, have to have escaped the trauma. Guess I’m just supposed to suffer in the meantime. Survive. Sounds like a death sentence.