Ruined

“Some people just go through so much trauma that it ruins them.”

That’s what one of the health technicians said earlier. I wonder if it’s true. I wonder if everything I’ve gone through has ruined me beyond repair. If I’m broken because of the hell I survived.

I try my best to be kind, respectful, helpful, but it did change me. I see the world differently now. It’s darker, meaner—unsafe. Everything can hurt you. Bad things happen as punishments for what I’ve done—whoring, slutting, degrading myself. Good things happen so they can be lost, taken away, and you are taught how much it hurts to have something safe ripped away from you.

People just want to use you for their benefit, and then they throw you away like trash. They say I love you to manipulate you. They do kind things for you so you are indebted to them. It’s brutal. And it’s all there is.

I’ll still try to be kind, to really love humans for all their simple-minded innocence, but I fear maybe I am ruined.