Suffering

I am in so much suffering. It is overwhelming and feels unbearable. I often find myself thinking “I can’t handle this” or “it’s too much” or even just “I can’t I can’t I can’t” over and over. It all just feels hopeless. Nothing is worth living for. Everything just hurts and hurts and hurts. Anything good or safe gets taken away. Things are just so overwhelmingly bad that it crushes me. I feel it all like an ever present weight on me, a constant tension in my muscles, a deep and profound sense of worthlessness in my soul—nonstop, from the moment I wake up.

Every moment I am alive is an act of violence onto myself. It feels like I’m being tortured by the fact that I am breathing, and no matter how much I plead and beg, it never stops. I will never know peace. I live in feelings of unsafety and misery, and yet I am expected to keep living, with no hope for things getting any easier.

I’ve realized that things don’t really get better than this. This is my plateau. This is the level of depression or anxiety or dissociation that I have to learn to live with. I can get worse from here [it always gets worse] but never better. I’m stuck here, stuck in this pathetic state of misery, until I die.

When I say “I can’t keep doing this,” it’s not about ability. I know I can if I’m forced to. [I’m always forced to.] I’m just begging for it all to stop. I’m trying to set a boundary with the universe: if this continues, I’ll stop engaging. I don’t understand why this isn’t fair. We get all this shit about setting boundaries, but for some reason, this one is wrong. There’s just one thing I want in this world, and somehow, it’s “bad.” I just want everything to stop hurting so fucking much.

― ρ