Wants

I want to bang my head against the wall repeatedly until I pass out. I want to slice my thighs with a pen or a paperclip or anything I can get my hands on. I want to bite my wrists until I hit my radial arteries and bleed out. I want to sneak into the hospital med room and take everything I can get my hands on. I want to punch my bathroom mirror and stab myself with the glass. I want to drown myself in my toilet.

I want to pay someone to beat me to death. I want to eat an entire bag of peanuts and go into anaphylactic shock. I want to shoot myself in the head. I want to jump in front of the subway. I want to walk onto the highway in high-speed traffic. I want to take a whole bottle of pain medicine and wash it down with vodka. I want to jump off the George Washington bridge. I want to go to a random college party and do copious amounts of any drug I can find. I want to go driving down an empty road so fast that I couldn’t stop if I wanted to.

I want to punch my father in the face and tell him if he ever hits my mother or my sister again, I’ll kill him. And I want a swing at my mother too and tell her if she ever invades my boundaries or my privacy ever again, I’ll kill her.